Following the disintegration of Shane Warne's marriage, infidelity was back on the public discussion list.

Perhaps the discussion should have been about why women would choose such partners to father their children in the first place. I wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard my women friends conclude from their failed Adonis connection: ‘All men are cheats.’No, not all men are cheats – just the washboard stomach and chiselled jaw brigade [check Sam’s current blog for an example.

University of Western Australia researcher Dr Gillian Rhodes found that the more handsome the man, the more short-term partners he accumulates and the less likely he is to be faithful. Stands to reason, doesn’t it?

In Britain, psychologists Vincent Egan and Sarah Angus, from the Glasgow Caledonian University, suggest that men who cheat tend to be good looking, good natured, outgoing, conscientious and less neurotic: in short, more attractive. Unfaithful women, however, are more likely to be manipulative, neurotic, unstable, unpleasant and also have huge egos.

Statistically, there is a greater tendency for the woman to forgive the straying man than the other way round. Men will not forgive, unless they are wildly in love. A woman who won’t forgive is not attractive to a man. The danger signals scare normal men away. The woman who will forgive and she is one of the majority, is caught in a logical dilemma. She has tried to get the best possible deal for herself in every way.

If everyone agrees that that good looking man over there is a ‘catch’ and if she is attracted to him, she tries herself out. If she succeeds, then this is a confirmation of herself in the eyes of others and of herself. She might even know about his reputation but he told her she was the only one in his eyes and so he’d never cheat on her.He does. 'But he told me I was the only one.' Translate this to, 'You're at the top of my list.'

Sooner or later, all egotists tire of their partners. Deep down, they don’t really care. This is shaming to her. Therefore she must forgive … and forgive … and forgive, just to keep everything together. He sees this forgiveness as a green light to continue and boasts about it to the other guys.

One decade later, as Simone Warne did, she’ll say, ‘Enough!’ and find it easier to live alone with her children, allowing men into her life only on her own terms. Any woman can pick herself up and move on – after all, it’s in the nature of a woman to do so. She made a bad choice? OK, let’s just put it behind me.

Trouble is, though, she carries enormous emotional baggage with her which manifests itself in very, very subtle ways. With her new man, however, if she is still physically attractive or exudes emotional vulnerability, the bitterness eventually comes through in her zero tolerance for anything slightly ‘not so’ in her partner and thus she’s destined for a series of dissatisfying relationships. She’s been burnt and it shows.

My soul-mate who comments on Sam’s blog in Melbourne is another case. She really has found the right one but even in her comments lies the potential for disaster. I had a girlfriend myself who said, in the first flush of interest, ‘Honestly, I can’t find anything wrong with you.’

That sent danger signals. Was she looking for them? No one’s a saint to that extent and I certainly wasn’t. Up there on that pedestal, I only felt fear – fear that when she did see my first fault, she’d feel cheated and would drop me immediately. She found it rapidly, she didn’t drop me but did become super-critical, increasingly so until the end.

Sam Brett asks what the modern woman wants. What does any woman ever want? But she really must, must become more realistic in her unreasonable hopes, expectations and demands and not lay an unfulfillable burden on the wrong man.

And certainly, if she’s going to attach herself to ‘Mr. Perfection’, remember that the ‘Mr. Perfection’ bit is all part of the on-going game with all the chicks.Partly based on the article by Farah Farouque in the Melbourne Age on July 2, 2005.

posted by james higham at Wednesday, August 09, 2006